Consider This
by asmilewaiting
Summary: A shadowed figure steps away from his dark corner of the bar, removing his cloak to reveal silver hair...and blood red eyes filled with pain, loss and much sorrow... YAOI BakuraRyou... Deathfic


Consider this

By Marron-chan a.k.a. Marron Yuuki

Rated: R

Pairing: Bakura/Ryou

Warnings: I won't spoil the story by saying anything... read to find out.

Betaed by my lovely friend Fox -huggles- Thanks so much!

A/N: Please review!

Whispers. I hear them everywhere. I step up to the microphone. Who is he? This cloaked man with silver hair? Someone asks...He's a frequent... but he never talks... what does he want now?

Ah... he never talks. That is true. Has been true for a long time. Do you know that Ryou? Do you? I can never be sure with you... I shake my head to myself, silver hair shimmering beneath the heavy cloak that hides my eyes. Crimson... like blood. Like death. Like hate. Like...love.

But no one will ever know that, will they baby? No...I let my cloak fall, ignoring the gasps of shock from those watching the karaoke stage I am standing on. They probably won't remember the albino who is going to sing for them this night. Midnight. More than half aren't in their right minds anyway. So I brush it off, taking the microphone.

This is my gift to you, hikari... didn't you always want me to show you emotion? But I was too blind to see... And only realized it, after it was too late.

Ah... I was a fool, blinded by my past, blinded by my hate for everything that was good, not trusting.

I have no excuse.

Softly, I begin to sing, the music starting as if on cue. I don't care if my voice isn't perfect. This is for you Ryou. What you always wanted.

"Life is bigger... It's bigger than you... And you are not me. The lengths that I will go to, The distance in your eyes... Oh no I've said too much... I set it up."

You were always mine, weren't you? I never noticed.

That is the one thing that I regret most. Of everything I have ever done...

We're here tonight, Ryou, what would you do? What would you say? Would you say anything at all? Or would you remain silent, in your calm all-knowing way.

Ra, how I miss that calm. The calm I unconsciously depended on. It kept me sane... but you knew that, didn't you?

Ah... too many questions... I wouldn't know where to start if you actually were here tonight.

Do you love me still Ryou?

Are you happy now Ryou?

Would you come back if I begged you to?

But all of this is too late, I can't change anything. I can't change the past. Nor the way I treated you.

Life is just they always say. Karma I suppose.

Was this your way of punishment Ryou? Leaving me alone in the dark of this smelly bar, filled with mortals just as troubled and insane as me?

Is this what you wanted?

Somehow... I can't believe it.

You were too good to me, even when I didn't deserve it.

I can't forgive you for that.

"That's me in the corner, that's me in the spotlight... Losing my religion. Trying to keep up with you..."

Because It's my own fault. And I cannot forgive myself for not seeing past the facade.

The facade you used to protect me.

Why Ryou? I don't need protecting! I didn't need it.

All I needed was...

All I needed...

You would have given it to me, wouldn't you have?

You knew it the whole time, didn't you?

I was just too blind to see.

I'm always too blind.

Everyone I've ever loved has been taken from me before my eyes.

You were no exception.

Bastards. I could kill them.

Fresh blood.

It always made you sad...

Animal or human, death was sad in your eyes.

Remember how you told me that if I were to ever die, you would die with me? Because you couldn't stand to live without me?

Well I'm dead now.

Dead to the world.

I smile sadly at my audience, do they sense it?

Do you feel all the emotion I'm putting into this song? For you Ryou? Even though It's too late?

"And I don't know if I can do it... Oh no I've said too much, I haven't said enough... I thought that I heard you laughing. I thought that I heard you sing.... I think I thought I saw you try..."

But it is my fault, isn't it?

You never blamed me.

But others did.

Everyone... They all hate me now, shun me.

But I don't deserve any better.

So all I do is sit here all day and all night, hidden away in the shadows.

I don't talk to anyone, I never will... because all of me belongs to you. I don't wish to waste time on others.

They wouldn't understand anyway.

And I don't want them to understand.

Let them think of me as another hopeless drunk in this dingy little bar, waiting for my death day.

Yes.

It will come soon enough anyway. No need for complications.

"Every whisper of every waking hour, I'm choosing my confessions... Trying to keep an eye on you. Like a hurt lost and blinded fool... Oh no I've said too much... I set it up."

Were you ever really happy, baby?

Did I ever make you happy, with my emotionless outlook on life, on everything and my obvious hate for anything resembling love? Or did I drive you to it?

Did you hate me already?

Or was your heart still pure?

Was your heart ever pure?

Now that I think about it... I don't know. Because I never really tried to know you, never paid any attention to you other than necessary.

A grave mistake...

Will you be at my funeral baby? If there even is one? Or will you stay there, where you are.

Or will you save me from the hell I'm fixing to face?

Tonight...

I look around at the sad faces listening to me sing, I had no idea that these people could feel any more with all the alcohol in their blood. Would've thought they'd have passed out by now or left to go stumble drunkenly to their pitiful homes.

Home.

Where is my home, Ryou?

Do I even have one anymore?

You were my home... I just never noticed.

Too many regrets.

I should have known, should have said everything I wanted to say.

Should have known what I wanted to say.

But I didn't.

Experience telling me to keep my mouth shut, though my heart, black and dead as it was, told me to spill.

Damn that.

My life was always full of pain. How was I to know you wouldn't bring me more?

So used to my life alone... so used to the solemn solitude. I didn't know how to open my heart anymore.

"Consider this the hint of the century... Consider this the slip that brought me to my knees... failed..."

But maybe everything will be better? Once I've ended it all... Will things be better for you, will you be able to finally rest?

I hope so... for I will never be granted that condolence.

I don't deserve it anyway.

And I don't care anymore.

You became my heart. And now I don't have you anymore.

I am just a shell, a heartless corpse walking around and singing useless songs to drunks who probably won't ever learn anything from what I am trying to tell them.

They are like me I suppose.

I probably won't learn. No matter what... because you were the only one who could teach me. You taught me love. You taught me kindness.

You taught me gentleness and selflessness. All of that, that is you. But I don't have you anymore, I am no longer capable of anything you ever taught me.

Will I be ok? No.

I won't.

But that doesn't matter.

All that matters is you.

"What if all these fantasies come flailing around? Now I've said too much... I thought that I heard you laughing, I thought that I heard you sing... I think I thought I saw you try..."

You did, didn't you?

I think on the lyrics of the song I'm singing... They remind me so much of you, my darling...

You tried so hard to make me believe, to make me love. But it was hopeless, wasn't it?

I remember every time you took me out, trying to get me to act like a normal boyfriend... but I was always so nervous, and I didn't understand.

It never ended well.

Well... I suppose that depends on your point of view doesn't it?

As I finish the song, I pull the cloak back over my head, hiding the unnatural from view. The awed drunks still staring at me as I leave. I pay them no heed and walk past them and out the door, out the door and into the storm raging outside.

Ah... I've made my decision now Ryou.

I love you. I always have. And I miss you.

I want to be with you more than anything else.

Because you are my heart.

I continue walking, the wind blowing my cloak behind me and soaking me from head to toe, the rain stinging my skin everywhere it could reach.

Pain.

Always.

I walk up the hill and go through your gate.

And as I look up at the moon, so full tonight. I reach into my pocket and pull out a small flask.

Perfect...

I kneel there. Looking at the gardens so well taken care of by a paid gardener... who will pay him now? I collapse...

Tears overwhelming me for the first time since you...

My hair comes out of its confines and gets smeared with dirt and grime.

Ah...

I take the flask and open it, no longer caring for ceremony as I drink the entirety in one gulp.

Time passes. It's cold... minutes or hours?

I don't know... neither do I care.

As my vision blurs and my heart begins to stop beating regularly, I look up one last time at the stars.

Then back down, at your gravestone.

"I... love you Ryou...forgi...ve...me..."

My last thought... you...

Hair wet and body drenched from the storm outside, running toward me with your arms wide... my name on your lips.

And then.... darkness.

But that was just a dream... Just a dream...

Owari


End file.
